Take Care

I didn't think that I will be this attached to my family, my home, my memories.

I always thought I'm a free woman, will live in anywhere around the world, will survive living by herself and pursuing her only dream, strive for my ambition. I remember the first time I live alone when in college. How I feel lonely at first but then feel free and alive. Like I own my time, my space. Like I have full control of my life. I felt like an astronaut in outer space, have home back there on earth, and know that my family will always be there for me no matter how far I float. 

Then I start to imagined myself living somewhere far from home, join a local orchestra and play in street. Living alone in a small but comfy apartment (I imagined like Celine's apartment in Before Sunset), working for United Nations, because I wanted to work for a bigger cause, for humanity.

Not a single imagination there involve a man or romance or any other commitment, not even pet, because I am independent and just live for myself (and humanity, you know, 'cause United Nations).

-Celine's apartment in Before Sunset-

At some point (I forgot when and why and how), my imagination shifted. I still live far away, and working for humanity, and play for local orchestra. But I have a nicer home, where my parents are there and chill with coffee or tea. I imagined my parents are sit comfortably in a sofa and I put a comforter on my mom because she gets cold easily. And I imagined my dad watching sports on tv, most probably soccer game or tennis match.

But even at that time I didn't realized that I actually don't really want to be far away with my family. I always find a way to live stay close with my sister or my brother, a fraction of my heart, my family, a familiarity. 

I chose city for study where my sibling used to study. I chose city for working where my sister's family there and stay with them instead of living alone. I even rejected couple better job opportunities that made me stay far from my sister. And unconsciously, reject or not applied for job vacancy that made me travel or working in somewhere far from home. And even now when I have my own family, I sometimes counting days when my parents will visit me, or I will visit them, or time when we all gather together. 

Simply, I am attached with my family.

I may not look like a caring person, but having them around, it calms me. Like everything is going to be okay. The world is cruel but mine is fine as long as my family healthy and happy. Then I realized, some point in my single life moment, that my motivation to live is my family. Not me, but my parents. I want to make them happy and have a good life. And that's when where my imagination once again shifted and I try harder to make it real.

I still want to travel far, but now I'm taking my parents with me. So after the tipping point in my life, I started to rewrite plan to make it happen. Because I was obviously not working for humanity but for money, I collect those money to take my parents holiday. It was so tiring because that time, my parents were having feud with each other. But then it worth the life to saw they made up with each other during the holiday and I just there to drag the suitcases.

The selfish me want them to live healthy forever, like still alive when my children grow up, still alive when their grandkids have kids, still alive and grow old together with me. If I have everything in the world, I'll give my parents and my children everything in the world. Because without them, what is life for me. I know it is more for me than for them.

When I see my friends, a lot of them, also my cousins, that live far from home, far from their parents, I admire their courage and willingness. But will I ever want to trade? Nah I think I'm good, I'll just stay here close and have a mediocre life, and it is enough, because this is what make me live, my family. Even if I live far, I think I want to bring my old folks there. It is people choice on how to live their life. But of course I will encourage my kids to explore the world, to not worry about their parents as we will be okay at home. Home won't going anywhere.

And to all those people who live far from home, from their family, hope you enjoy the life you have anyhow. 

-this post is dedicated to post-holiday syndrome that consumed me as I get back to reality-